My first memories of overwhelming anxiety occurred after I was apart from my abuser and the reality of all that was happening to my world started sinking in. This new emotion provided a furiously overwhelming, new feeling of incomplete inability to function, think, focus, make decisions, be a single parent or co-worker. The new feeling overpowered me like nothing before. It wasn’t like the anxiety I felt throughout the abuse; the anxiety I experienced during my abuse never kept me from being able to function. The unpredictability of my abuse kept me functioning in a chaotic state to make my abuser happy. This new, post abuse anxiety was significantly different and overwhelming debilitating.
For the first few years post-abuse, I believed my anxiety provided me with my will to fight. I considered my anxiety a meter or gauge that guided me to decide if I should fight or run. In the absence of any other decision-making model, I allowed my level of anxiety dictate how I should handle a situation.
I wish someone had talked to me earlier about what anxiety is, the unbelievable toll it is taking on my body, and strategies for controlling it. I believe continuing to live in my secret world where I wasn’t completely honest with my counselor, definitely not honest with my physician, and still not sharing any of this with anyone caused me to be uneducated about a critical part of who I was post-abuse.
What I didn’t realize is that my anxiety is a new body part, a new part of my inner being that is here to stay. My new anxiety is a permanent battle wound from my abuse. It wasn’t something that is going away with time; my anxiety is something that is remaining a part of me for the remainder of my life. What I failed to realize until it was almost too late, is that instead of fighting my anxiety, I needed to figure out how to live with it.
I share more of my struggle with anxiety in the following blogs:
For the first few years post-abuse, I believed my anxiety provided me with my will to fight. I considered my anxiety a meter or gauge that guided me to decide if I should fight or run. In the absence of any other decision-making model, I allowed my level of anxiety dictate how I should handle a situation.
I wish someone had talked to me earlier about what anxiety is, the unbelievable toll it is taking on my body, and strategies for controlling it. I believe continuing to live in my secret world where I wasn’t completely honest with my counselor, definitely not honest with my physician, and still not sharing any of this with anyone caused me to be uneducated about a critical part of who I was post-abuse.
What I didn’t realize is that my anxiety is a new body part, a new part of my inner being that is here to stay. My new anxiety is a permanent battle wound from my abuse. It wasn’t something that is going away with time; my anxiety is something that is remaining a part of me for the remainder of my life. What I failed to realize until it was almost too late, is that instead of fighting my anxiety, I needed to figure out how to live with it.
I share more of my struggle with anxiety in the following blogs:
- Battle Scar of Domestic Violence
- Importance of Prescription Medicine
- Sunday Nights are Lonely Nights
