What Does it Mean to be a Domestic Violence Survivor?

A domestic violence survivor is not someone who is separated from their abuser.

I think there is a general misconception that we become a domestic violence survivor once we are safely removed from our abuser’s controlled environment. Speaking from my experience and watching other victims who have left their abuser, we are not even remotely close to becoming survivors during the months following when we leave our abuser’s. When my abuser physically moved out, the eighteen years of emotional abuse lingered in my head for years. My abuser’s control over my thoughts and actions weren’t automatically removed just because he wasn’t in close proximity to me. All of my abuser’s punishments, threats, physical attacks, and degrading comments remained with me as he left to start the next chapter in his life. Since we have three children, I still needed to communicate with him.

When my abuser physically moved out, the eighteen years of emotional abuse lingered in my head for years. My abuser’s control over my thoughts and actions weren’t automatically removed just because he wasn’t in close proximity to me. All of my abuser’s punishments, threats, physical attacks, and degrading comments remained with me as he left to start the next chapter in his life. Since we have three children, I still needed to communicate with him.

During the early years in my recovery, I felt like a failure when someone would refer to me as a domestic violence survivor. Often, someone would comment on how strong I was to have gotten through the abuse. Yes, maybe to them the mask I was wearing made me look like I had my life in order, but internally, my abuser’s continuing control over continued to make me feel like a complete failure. See, being separated from my abuser didn’t teach me:

• To be able to think on my own again
• How to feel safe
• Trusting me and my abilities
• How to be a loving mother
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For me, I found being separated from my abuser created another set of anxious, confusing thoughts. It’s hard to believe, but moving from a controlled environment to an uncontrolled environment set my head in a tailspin of constant nervousness and uncertainty. Here I was making decisions for the first time in my adult life! Yet, the memories of my abuser’s voice continued to jump in. His voice in my mind took every opportunity it could to counter any decisions I wanted to make with doubt and reminders of how incompetent I was. For years into my recovery, my mind constantly spun in reckless turmoil. I didn’t feel like a survivor at all; I continued to feel like a complete failure.

So, what does it mean to be a domestic violence survivor?

For me, being a domestic violence survivor means that I am free from the lingering effects of the emotional abuse. Being a domestic violence survivor means I am able to trust myself and be open to living again. It means I am open to making decisions, building trusting relationships again, and eventually feeling love again. As a survivor, the thoughts in my head are mine and mine ONLY. Being a survivor means I am able to enjoy my life again; not just watching it occur in front of me but being alive and experience the moments as they are happening.
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With the emotional abuse removed from my mind, God’s grace and love have taken over. God’s love provides me with a calmness and peace I never imagined being possible.

How did this all come together for me?

The purpose of this blog site is for me to share the many strategies I have learned over the past ten years in my recovery effort. The critical pieces include:

• Growing faith
• Professional counseling
• Honesty with medical community so ailments and medication are correct
• Self education
• Opening up to trusted confidants
  
  

To all my sisters out there going through the tough journey from domestic violence victim to survivor: this is an extremely challenging journey you are embarking on! Nothing in my life prepared me for the struggles I encountered while trying to obtain my sanity and life back after my abuser left. I never felt strong enough to win this fight; anxiety was the only emotion I had.
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I pray my sharing some of my experiences helps confirm that you are not alone…. I know how painful that feeling is.