Darkness Overcame Me
Accepting the realization that my life wasn’t going to improve while living with my abusive husband was tough. Realizing I was going to have to let go of my marriage; my sacred vow of unity with the guy that I used to love, felt overwhelmingly degrading. My emotional turmoil sifted between my abuser’s ugly reminders in my head “it’s all your fault” combined with my self-fulling feelings of personal failure. Slowly though, as I ventured out on my own with the children, a sense of darkness started surrounding me. I soon realized that depression after abuse was an obstacle I needed to face.
Darkness started overcoming my days and nights.
There were so many disturbing thoughts and issues’ roaming around my head. Shutting down was the only thing I could do. Dealing with being a single parent, financial ruins, thinking on my own, supporting three hurting children coping with the divorce news, and the difficulties my anxiety were causing me at work was too much. In hindsight, I never knew I was depressed. Additionally, I didn’t acknowledge my depression as something that I needed to work through to move on with my life. As with so many other things, I believed the longer I was separated and trying to move on with my life, the easier my ability to function would be. I truly thought my inability to enjoy being alive was a result of being a burnt-out mother of three young children.
The first few years following my abuser’s departure were dark and lonely times. My inability to function impacted all aspects of my life – my physical and mental health suffered, my mothering skills suffered, my working life contained daily mistakes and an unhappy boss. Since I was unable to be open about my past and current confusion, I continued to hide behind a mask of being miserable without the support or understanding of my family or few acquaintances. For safety reasons, I continued to keep the abuse a secret.
But, there is one thing my journey has taught me. Time alone doesn’t heal my emotional and physical scars left over from the abuse.
Time alone does not heal depression.
If you are not sure about opening up, or like me, continue to have concerns about safety, maybe a good starting point is contacting the National Domestic Violence Hotline http://www.thehotline.org/
The National Domestic Violence Hotline is a free and confidential resource for those in an abusive relationship or family or friends who love and care about their health and safety. Hotline services include:
Hi, I'm Sue
Welcome to my blog! I served twenty-one honorable years on active duty, living a double life of capability and accomplishment in the service while enduring brutality and abusiveness in my twenty-one year oppressive marriage. Today I'm happily married and have three children who are my inspiration and motivation.
My goal is to help combat the lies of abusers with the truth of God. I hope you find my words to be healing and helpful through your own life experiences.
Being separated from my abusive husband didn't make me a domestic violence survivor. It surely didn't release me from the grip of his brainwashing control and the innate power he had on me.
Read the full raw story in my new book, Rock Bottom and Faithless.