Going Through the Motions
Instead of living for the moment, I spent the first few years of being a single mom hoping and praying that I could get through the day. There was always so much to be done while raising my three little children. My head was constantly racing prioritizing what needed to be done versus what was going to be put off till tomorrow. Driving my children to their events, homework, dinner routine, laundry, and cleaning the kitchen often sent me into a spiral of tears.
I remember wishing the hours and days away. My days seemed to follow the same routine. Waking up, I dreaded getting everyone out of the house in the morning. I fretted knowing that at any moment one bad comment would send the children into a stubborn, I am not moving stance. As soon as I arrived at work, I was wishing my work day would end as soon as possible as there was so much to do. Our dinner and evening routine almost always overwhelmed me as there was never enough time to do it all.
I vividly remembering wishing lonely weekends when they were staying with their dad would quickly end. If there was the slightest chance of rain, I remember wishing the children’s coach would call a rain delay so I could take one thing off my list of things to do for today. I was going through the motions while feeling extremely numb to what was going on around me.
And then, my children grew up.
And then, I woke up one morning and realized my oldest was graduating from high school. Years later I was teaching my youngest child how to drive while counting down the months until she leaves for college. And then it started to hit me.
As my children start to move on to college, I realize, those anxious filled days are not coming back. All those first’s I have experienced with them; those firsts are not coming back. All those times I was going through the motions to get through the event while focusing on my long list of things to do, I missed out on what was going on right in front of me. I didn’t enjoy the special moments for what they truly were – small accomplishments that meant a lot to them.
Recently, I started an internal campaign to enjoy the day for what it brings. I began living in the moment. I began a conscious effort to jump at opportunities to do things with my children. Slowing I began to turn my attention to focusing my thoughts enough to enjoy today for what it is – a great day to be a survivor.
My new saying: every hour I live being distracted and not enjoying the moment is an hour I can’t regain back. Once that hour is gone, it’s not coming back. I am making a conscious effort to start enjoying hours of my day versus wishing them away. Every hour consumed in anger, guilt, or confusion is an hour I can’t get back!
Spending Time with My Children
My children are enjoying my showing interest in their lives. They have taken my offer to continue being part of their world like sponges; it seems to be equally as important to them. We have a fun theme going on – I raised them for 18+ years, now it is their turn to teach me a few things. They are enjoying introducing me to the important, simple pieces of their lives. They have enjoyed having me try out their favorite foods, listening to their music, watching their youtube favorites…. simple things that show them I like hanging out with them.
It’s never to late to try enjoying living for today. Trust me, it’s something I had to consciously learn how to do! Living in a positive mind set is hard for those of us who have suffered so much abuse. If you’re open for a suggestion on what worked for me, please consider it!
Hi, I'm Sue
Welcome to my blog! I served twenty-one honorable years on active duty, living a double life of capability and accomplishment in the service while enduring brutality and abusiveness in my twenty-one year oppressive marriage. Today I'm happily married and have three children who are my inspiration and motivation.
My goal is to help combat the lies of abusers with the truth of God. I hope you find my words to be healing and helpful through your own life experiences.
Being separated from my abusive husband didn't make me a domestic violence survivor. It surely didn't release me from the grip of his brainwashing control and the innate power he had on me.
Read the full raw story in my new book, Rock Bottom and Faithless.