This week is the one year anniversary of my mother’s death. I continue to miss her a lot.
Parkinson’s attacked my mom quickly. Her memory faded way too fast and her ability to understand life’s events faded even faster. She managed to tell me a few times before her cognitive abilities faded how proud she was of me. I will cherish her last words to me forever.
I needed my mother’s support throughout the abusive years and into the years surrounding my separation from my abuser. The problem though, was I wasn’t able to let her into my abusive world. It pains me now when I look back at all of the arguments created because it was easier for me to disagree with her versus holding my abuser accountable. Of course, she was right in her questioning why I was agreeing with that horrible husband or ex-husband. But, since I couldn’t trust anyone with the secret of why I was trying to be so obedient, I just had to stand up for him.
It pains me so to know that in addition to everything else that my abuser damaged in my world, he also damaged a relationship that isn’t able to be repaired. I thought for sure my mom was going to be here during the later parts of my recovery to enjoy having her daughter back! I thought for sure I would be able to apologize for the years I valued my personal safety versus agreeing with her. An apology sure seemed like the appropriate thing to do!
But, she’s not here. It sure seems like my abuser won again.
I was so focused on my and the children’s emotional and physical safety that I totally failed to realize the effects of our hiding on other people in my world. I don’t regret this; I escaped being killed once but I surely wasn’t going to take that chance again.
I can look back now at all the damaged relationships and people I lost touch with a more open perspective. So many times I wanted their assistance! Yet a clearer picture of the secrets I kept reminds me it wasn’t their fault; it was the secret of the abuse that withdrew me. I am the one who probably let the relationship die down, not them. I look back now and realize there were probably lots of times others were indirectly offering to assist yet I always felt like I was standing alone on a deserted island.
Hi, I'm Sue
Welcome to my blog! I served twenty-one honorable years on active duty, living a double life of capability and accomplishment in the service while enduring brutality and abusiveness in my twenty-one year oppressive marriage. Today I'm happily married and have three children who are my inspiration and motivation.
My goal is to help combat the lies of abusers with the truth of God. I hope you find my words to be healing and helpful through your own life experiences.
Being separated from my abusive husband didn't make me a domestic violence survivor. It surely didn't release me from the grip of his brainwashing control and the innate power he had on me.
Read the full raw story in my new book, Rock Bottom and Faithless.