Lifting the Denial Surrounding Domestic Violence Abuse

Denial is a Powerful Tool

For many of us, it’s being brought to the brink of death that provides the strength for us to leave our abuser. For others, we remain in our situations, wishing for the happier days to return, until the children start sounding like our abuser’s and question why we are not doing what we are being told to do. Regardless of what our reason(s) are for leaving our abuser, the significance of the decision is monumental. It signifies that the door to our denial surrounding domestic violence is about to be opened, and the journey to domestic violence survivor has “officially” begun.
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With denial, I knew in my heart what was truly going on, yet in my head, I could suppress these horrible feelings and believe them not to be true. Denial allowed me to reject the truth of what was going on in my marriage.  My realization that my world was not going to change was a pivotal point in starting my recovery.  At these moments, I had to realize that whether I wanted to or not, I must now make drastic changes in my world.  I had to start accepting the reality that I could no longer remain in my current situation anymore. The changes had to start now or I would die.

Dangers of denial surrounding domestic violence

With denial, I held on to the hope that if I kept trying harder, someday my world would become better. If I held onto my denial, I knew I was only days away from my pain being outdated. Happier days were surely coming soon – at least that is what my denial convinced me of.

Here are some things I learned about denial:

• Keeps domestic violence victims attached to our abusers.
• Impedes our decision-making abilities
• Forgets the bad times and patiently waits for the “good” guy to return
• Holds on to falsely believing true love and companionship are returning
• Doesn’t allow us, the victim, to feel confident that we can ever take care of ourselves and the children
• Is a highly dangerous stage due to planning of exit strategies and safety plans
• Is a strange mix of overwhelming anxiety, fear, and second-guessing
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For me, facing my denial was extremely painful and scary; it was not something I was able to do on my own. There was no way I could categorize my abuser’s actions as inappropriate; I needed external support from my crisis counselor to begin the painful task of realizing my world needed to change. The Power and Control Wheel provided great examples of what my abuser was doing to me thus allowing me to see, for the first time, the control he was attempting to manipulate me.