The examples are all different but my reaction is almost always the same. When God says it is time to start the next painful step of my recovery, my human mind doesn’t believe I am able. Hundreds of times over the past half dozen years I have emphatically told God: I can’t do what you are asking me to do.
Some of the earlier times my cries included tears, whaling arms, total defiance, disbelief, and a position of nope, not going to do that. I remember incidences where I start making deals, adjusting His guidance to better suit my understanding of the situation, or like a pouty child being put in a time out, I just made every excuse in the book why I was right and God’s guidance was wrong.
Obviously, God knew me better than I knew myself. He knew when it was time to nudge me to take the next step in freeing myself from the abuse. What was holding me back was the painful lie: I can’t do what God is asking me to do. I couldn’t take the steps towards freeing myself from the bondage of my abuse mostly because I wasn’t strong enough. I didn’t deserve to be free. With such weak self-worth, I just didn’t believe I could do these challenging tasks.
It’s been about six years since I’ve honestly opened up about my abuse and started what I believe to be my transformation from victim to survivor. In these years, I have learned that:
I can honestly say I am emotionally and spiritually stronger because I’ve tried to do what God has asked me to do. With year of practice and increased strength, God’s current requests for me to do something don’t set in an alarm of panic anymore. There are still things He asks me to do that I don’t particularly want to do, but my response is now encouraged with the inquisitive thoughts of I wonder what I will learn this time…
Blessings to all,
Hi, I'm Sue
Welcome to my blog! I served twenty-one honorable years on active duty, living a double life of capability and accomplishment in the service while enduring brutality and abusiveness in my twenty-one year oppressive marriage. Today I'm happily married and have three children who are my inspiration and motivation.
My goal is to help combat the lies of abusers with the truth of God. I hope you find my words to be healing and helpful through your own life experiences.
Being separated from my abusive husband didn't make me a domestic violence survivor. It surely didn't release me from the grip of his brainwashing control and the innate power he had on me.
Read the full raw story in my new book, Rock Bottom and Faithless.