Flowers are blooming. Baby birds are chirping. Weeds are making yards look like full blown flower gardens. Pollen is making people who have allergies miserable. All indications in my world that spring is here.
I am fortunate to be able to feel the breeze as I walk outside. For so many years I never realized the wind blowing around was even a thing. But, being able to stop, face the sun and feel the wind blowing against my face, awakens a sense within me that laid sleeping for so many years.
Living in Darkness - Depression After Abuse
And while I am standing still for a minute, I hear birds chirping in a strange and happy, but noisy way. Baby birds crying out and hungry? Momma birds scaring off squall’s? I surely don’t know. All I know is that listening to their noisy chirping awakens my sense of hearing and pulls me out of my blah mood of just going through the motions.
As I look up, the sky seems a brighter blue color than what I remember from the winter. And the clouds, they look pure white; brand new for this season. Not the dark, dreary clouds of early winter nights but light, fluffy, decorative clouds appearing in the bright blue sky for this new season.
Awakening my senses is something that has taken my years to do. Obviously, my PTSD has left me numb and for the most part, uncaring of my surroundings. For the first few years after my abuser left, I kept the blinds down where I lived all day long. It had to be five years until I finally opened a blind to let light into my living space. Living in darkness, being numb to my surroundings, is where I used to feel the most comfortable.
Years of counseling and growing in my faith has taught me that I should not live in a world of darkness. It is definitely not where God wants me to live.
Depending on where you are in your transformation to survivor, you many still be living in darkness both inside your heart and in your world around you. But, if you are the least bit able, I challenge you to enjoy the extra day light. Try to find a flowering shrub or flowers starting to grow back for another season. Maybe stop and listing to the sounds of your world and feel the breeze around you.
I don’t know what spring changes look like in a city except the days will be longer. For me, longer days and later darkness always feels better to me.
I pray longer days allows for a little more enjoyment of this colorful season,
Hi, I'm Sue
Welcome to my blog! I served twenty-one honorable years on active duty, living a double life of capability and accomplishment in the service while enduring brutality and abusiveness in my twenty-one year oppressive marriage. Today I'm happily married and have three children who are my inspiration and motivation.
My goal is to help combat the lies of abusers with the truth of God. I hope you find my words to be healing and helpful through your own life experiences.
Being separated from my abusive husband didn't make me a domestic violence survivor. It surely didn't release me from the grip of his brainwashing control and the innate power he had on me.
Read the full raw story in my new book, Rock Bottom and Faithless.