If I try Harder, the Good Guy will Return

For years I believed a painful lie: If I try harder in my marriage, the good guy I used to know will return. Even after my divorce, this crazy thought lingered in my mind. The emotional abuse I endured brainwashed me to believe the horrible things my abuser said about me were true. For example, I truly believed:

• My abusive husband’s yelling was my fault
• His hitting me was my fault
• My punishments were deserving
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If all of these horrible actions from my abuser were my fault, then surely, I could change my actions to bring the good guy back; right?

LIE: I deserve to be punished

​Eleven years after being divorced, I can now tell you, with conviction, that this is not true. That loving guy I fell in love with isn’t going to return due to something I do or don’t do. He’s not going to return just because I want him to. He’s only going to return if he wants to change his behavior. But, what seems to be more painful to me that this, is that the awesome guy I married is in fact the fake person. The guy who groomed me to believe I can’t live my life without him isn’t really who he claimed to be. In my situation, it was easier for my abuser to fake who he was during the dating years than during the marriage.

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The monster who reared his ugly head after our wedding vows is who my abusive husband really is.

But no one could convince me that the guy I once loved chose to hurt me so bad. Years of therapy couldn’t truly make me believe 100% that my husband hated me enough to kill me. That night he attempted to kill me was just a huge misunderstanding, right?

No. I am the one who misunderstood my abuser’s actions.

So, why the sudden change of heart after 11 years of being away from my abuser? His third wife just kicked him out of their apartment. She told him to shop yelling and hitting her or she was going to call 911.
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Now the secret is being finally told; my ex-husband is an abuser.

And with her disclosure, I am also finding out the truth. All those years of my abuser yelling and punishing me, it really wasn’t my fault. My abusive ex-husband choice to do those horrible things to me; he has anger issues.
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And the lie is shattered; there is nothing I can do to bring the good guy that I married back. Only he can decide to change.