Please Save Me
When I turned to God the night my abusive husband attempted to kill me, I didn’t know what else to do. Clueless and desperate, I was frightened for my life. It seemed obvious that my 18-year marriage to Tom was going to end one way or another. Years of abuse taught me how hard it was finding faith while being abused but I had to believe this time God would listen. After years of handling the situations on my own, I gave up.
Three years prior to Tom attempting to kill me, I had a plan to reach out to someone and tell them my pain. Looking back, it was an extremely dangerous plan but at the time, I thought my plan was solid. The problem was that someone, I am guessing God, interrupted my plan to talk. Here I was, courageous enough to tell someone, and my plan shattered into small pieces. For the next three years, I carried around resentment and anger; God’s love and security are obviously for someone else. If He really cared for me, He would have let me talk. If He truly loved me, He would have assisted in me getting out of this situation a long time ago.
I can now look back and see the problem with my reaching out to someone the first time I wanted to talk. But, this is not how I felt for so many years. The pain and rejection I felt were heart-wrenching. Satan loved my feelings of rejection. Every chance Satan got, he reminded me repeatedly about how God doesn’t love me. My failed attempt at talking provided an example for Satan to rehash repeatedly in my mind. Satan was having a field day reminding me that God aborted my plan because He didn’t love me.
Yet, when I pleaded with God that night after Tom attempted to kill me, God met me right there on the floor. I now know, God was with me the entire time; for some reason only known to Him, it just wasn’t safe for me to talk three years prior.
Waiting is Painful
The point I want to share is this: just because we feel like the first time we try to reach out seems like a failed attempt, don’t let this be the last time you try to reach out. I have no idea why God didn’t intervene for three years. Truthfully, this left a huge dark hole in my soul for a long time. But, regardless of God’s reasoning, the next time I did reach out, I reached out to Him, with a pure and desperate heart. Guess what, right there on my bedroom floor, God sat down next to me on the carpet floor and held me tight.
The only thing I can humanly believe is that, for some reason only known to Him, there was something worse lurking the night I wanted to talk versus the choke hold three years later. I can now look back and reasonably believe that if the safer option for me to begin planning to leave Tom was after the chokehold than I should be grateful that I wasn’t able to talk the night that I wanted to. But, this is being reasonable years later with a much clearer head. While I was going through this nightmare, Satan made sure I believed that God’s lack of assistance was because He was abandoning me. I felt like God was leaving me to live in secret, dark world of domestic violence to fend for myself.
Please, don’t let Satan’s voice in your mind allow you to believe that God doesn’t love you. We are all God’s children, regardless of our sins or background. I may never know why God let my situation get so out of hand that my abusive husband lifted me off the floor in a chokehold attempting to kill me. Fortunately, I realize that I don’t need to understand. I just need to be grateful for the day I am living today.
Hi, I'm Sue
Welcome to my blog! I served twenty-one honorable years on active duty, living a double life of capability and accomplishment in the service while enduring brutality and abusiveness in my twenty-one year oppressive marriage. Today I'm happily married and have three children who are my inspiration and motivation.
My goal is to help combat the lies of abusers with the truth of God. I hope you find my words to be healing and helpful through your own life experiences.
Being separated from my abusive husband didn't make me a domestic violence survivor. It surely didn't release me from the grip of his brainwashing control and the innate power he had on me.
Read the full raw story in my new book, Rock Bottom and Faithless.