Last week I left work at noon; barely able to get to the car without the waterfall of tears starting. The tears overtook me quickly. Looking back, I probably had less than two minutes from being into anxiety mode to full melt down mode.
The tears flowed and my body quivered as I drove myself home. I had been three years since my body gave into my PTSD so strongly. Curling up in the fetal position in my chair, it didn’t take me long to figure out what was happening. My coping skills weren’t working and my PTSD was once again controlling my reactions to my world.
I didn’t survive the horrors of my past and years of being a single parent “just because”. No – the only way I got through those trying times was digging deep into my gut and being a superwoman. Personally, I believe we are all superwomen to live through what we’ve endured (but that is a different blog).
Eventually my tears slowed down, and I started to examine what was really going on.
PTSD is a Part of Who I Am
It’s bad enough the years of happiness my abuser took away from me. Yet, I’ve approached my recovery with a cover of “no more”. No more will I be influenced by my abuser’s control.
What I haven’t come to terms with though is my PTSD. Can I finally come to terms with my new body part, my new friend, PTSD? Can I finally acknowledge that my PTSD wins – and accept the fact that we are lifetime buddies? NOTE: this is not the case for everyone; I have friends who are able to totally overcome their PTSD.
I’ve decided that my PTSD doesn’t win because I am giving up. It wins because, in contrast, I have realized, embraced, acknowledged, and believed in my heart that nothing on this earth is going to allow it to go away. My brain endured trauma; and my brain isn’t letting go of the impact any time soon. My PTSD is not something my abuser did to me; instead it is how God put me back together again after the abuse thus allowing me to live again.
I can’t be open to God’s voice and emotions in my heart if my physical world is fighting this unseen, mostly unbelieved battle. Philippians 4:13 “I can do all this through him who give me strength”.
So, here’s my response to the people in my world:
Blessings to all,
See also "Recovering from domestic violence" and "Abuse Recovery"
Hi, I'm Sue
Welcome to my blog! I served twenty-one honorable years on active duty, living a double life of capability and accomplishment in the service while enduring brutality and abusiveness in my twenty-one year oppressive marriage. Today I'm happily married and have three children who are my inspiration and motivation.
My goal is to help combat the lies of abusers with the truth of God. I hope you find my words to be healing and helpful through your own life experiences.
Being separated from my abusive husband didn't make me a domestic violence survivor. It surely didn't release me from the grip of his brainwashing control and the innate power he had on me.
Read the full raw story in my new book, Rock Bottom and Faithless.