This week is the one year anniversary of my mother’s death. I continue to miss her a lot.

Parkinson’s attacked my mom quickly. Her memory faded way too fast and her ability to understand life’s events faded even faster. She managed to tell me a few times before her cognitive abilities faded how proud she was of me. I will cherish her last words to me forever.
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I needed my mother’s support throughout the abusive years and into the years surrounding my separation from my abuser. The problem though, was I wasn’t able to let her into my abusive world. It pains me now when I look back at all of the arguments created because it was easier for me to disagree with her versus holding my abuser accountable. Of course, she was right in her questioning why I was agreeing with that horrible husband or ex-husband. But, since I couldn’t trust anyone with the secret of why I was trying to be so obedient, I just had to stand up for him.

I don’t consider summer time fun anymore. No matter how hard I try, it seems the same things continue to bother me summer after summer. In no particular order, let me share some thoughts:

• The children are home. Yes, school work, after school sports and events are extremely busy, but there is a structure in that business. I seem to work better in a structured environment. The spontaneous phone call from the kids – hey mom, can we go do this…. or that… ignites the guilty side of me. It took me years of self-discipline to start saying no to them.
• Why does it always seem that the ex-husband who can’t financial assist with anything outside of the divorce agreement, always seems to do the more fun summer vacations? And if this wasn’t bad enough, listening to the excitement from the children before the trip and then after just add salt to my wounds.