Last week, on an otherwise normal morning, I was sitting in my devotion space, carrying on a conversation with God. I usually start my devotion time with a “thank you for allowing me to sleep last night” (sleeping is my new wonder drug) and then deviate from there. Repetitious habit has created a cadence for my devotion time:
- I start off thanking God for specific things he’s done;
- I then move into my conversation about what is bothering me;
- then I start reflecting on turning what is bothering me into prayer requests;
- and I end with my specific prayer request for others.Honestly, prior to writing this blog, if you asked me my devotion format I probably would have said “no clue: I just talk with God”. But further investigation into the question that was placed on my heart last week lead me to examine closer this special time of my day. I am glad I see the natural format my devotion time has created!
It’s 9:30 am on a weekend morning and I’m already exhausted. My three children under the age of nine are all awake, fed, changed, teeth brushed and sitting quietly in the living room watching television. I quiver at the thought of them remaining quiet enough as their dad, my abuser, sleeps in the room above.
Concurrently, I’ve silently but diligently cleaned the kitchen, straightened up the down stairs, and paid bills all while hushing the children to keep silent with their every move. I would love to sit and enjoy a few minutes with them but I know taking time away from my responsibilities risks a painful punishment.
Last week I looked at my bank statement and saw that my car payment draft was two-thirds lower than what it should have been. I believe this deduction was my last payment; I now own a car free and clear.
Six years ago, bankrupt and barely hanging on financially, I walked into a car dealership some 45 minutes away from my house. Embarrassed due to being bankrupt, I thought looking at cars a few towns over would spare me the awkwardness of someone in town knowing my situation.
Not unlike many domestic violence victims, my abuser had over spent and thrown us into bankruptcy a few years earlier.
It’s Saturday and I just asked my husband if it was okay to take some quiet time and do nothing today. I continued on by saying “I’m feeling like if I don’t rest my head, I am not going to be good for you and the kids.”
Shocker #1: I acknowledged my weaknesses of being in an overload mental capacity and prioritized doing something for myself. As my recent weekly blogs have stated, I am teetering at the edge of a PTSD cortisol mental shutdown (that’s my self-described diagnosis when my ability to function shuts down). Given all that is going on in the world I imagine everyone reading this post can relate.
Hi, I'm Sue
Welcome to my blog! I served twenty-one honorable years on active duty, living a double life of capability and accomplishment in the service while enduring brutality and abusiveness in my twenty-one year oppressive marriage. Today I'm happily married and have three children who are my inspiration and motivation.
My goal is to help combat the lies of abusers with the truth of God. I hope you find my words to be healing and helpful through your own life experiences.
Being separated from my abusive husband didn't make me a domestic violence survivor. It surely didn't release me from the grip of his brainwashing control and the innate power he had on me.
Read the full raw story in my new book, Rock Bottom and Faithless.