After separating from my abuser, the Book of Proverbs became my foundation of truth; something concrete I could fight the lies of my abuser with.  
 
     Seven years after I separated from my abuser, I had a nervous breakdown. The kind of nervous breakdown that brought me to my knees realizing that the way I was processing my abuse wasn’t working very well.
     I started counseling again (after a 4-year break) and almost immediately the counselor voiced concern that I was still communicating with my abuser. We talked about the anxious feelings I had when his name showed up on my phone, how the obscenities blasted my way if I didn’t answer the phone by the second ring, and how aggravated I was that at any moment, on any day, he could disrupt my world.

After separating from my abuser, the Book of Proverbs became my foundation of truth; something concrete I could fight the lies of my abuser with.  
 
In my blog last week, I shared the first thing I learned from reading the Book of Proverbs; transforming from a domestic violence victim to survivor was going to take action on my part. This transition wasn’t going to just “happen” because I wanted change to occur. Wanting wasn’t going to be good enough; doing something about my desire to change was required.
Prior to reading the Book of Proverbs, I used the funny feeling in my gut as my asthmas check. My anxiety seemed to be my barometer to emotionally stressful situations. The higher my anxiety (trigger), the more cautious I’d become. This worked well for a while, but it seemed to be cyclic; nothing really changed. I just became more aware of triggering situations. And the triggering situations continued to control my world.

Last week I had the honor and pleasure of joining Ann Harrison on a special  interview as a part of her Inspirational Journey Presents series episode on Domestic Violence Awareness Month.

Ann is a blind author who speaks from the heart on a wide variety of healing and inspiring topics and I encourage you to go and check out her blog, annwritesinspiration.com.

Though her primary message is not focused on domestic violence victims, she has been a victim of domestic emotional abuse, which she shares about during our discussion.

After separating from my abuser, the Book of Proverbs became my foundation of truth; something concrete I could use to fight the lies of my abuser.  

I had no idea how to be a Christian, mother, daughter, or co-worker the years following my physical separation from my abuser. Twenty years of being told what to do, how to do it, and asked why I hadn’t completed the task correctly completely deprived any ability I had to think on my own. Although I was physically removed from the harmful living situation, emotionally I was so brainwashed that I was stripped of any ability to generate a thought without guidance.

Reality hurt when I experienced this truth: being away from my abuser didn’t make me a survivor; it made me a remote-controlled puppet still functioning under the control of my abuser’s emotional brainwashing. 

After separating from my abuser, I found a church and attended faithfully in person but not always in spirit. A problem developed as I felt like what the Pastor was saying didn’t match what I was hearing. The Pastor was discussing God’s grace and love yet as I was listening with my abuser’s brainwashing lies still controlling my thoughts, God’s love and grace seemed like something He offered to other people.  ​

October is almost here, and as many of you know, that's when Domestic Violence Awareness month kicks off!

In preparation for this season of awareness, I've linked many of my favorite resources and ways to give back down below, but most exciting of all, I'm starting a five part series on Defeating the Lies of My Abuser using the Book of Proverbs next week.

​We're going to be taking the lies that I had known to be true as an abused woman and pairing them up with God's truth. This is integral to the transition from victim to survivor, and will be perfect for anyone who has separated from their abuser, but can't seem to shake the falsehoods embedded into their daily behavior.

With my daughter now in college, I decided to permanently clean out the bookshelf where she kept all her senior year papers and schoolwork. For so many years the kids have been piling up their work in this one spot; the “just in case I need it later” spot. But now that all of my children are out of the house, it’s time to reclaim those places and declutter! ​

ACT prep book; SAT prep book; math book with notebooks of homework; Spanish notes and research papers seemed to take up a lot of space. I am sure at one point the items connected to my daughter’s schoolwork, but as I was going through them, they seemed disjointed and clutter. I started picking up the pace as I thought trash can for everything.  

I am so tired.
​
For the past two months, I’ve woken up around 3:00am every night; many nights I’d be thrilled if this was the only time I woke up. Often nights I’m up two or three times. 

As I wake up in the middle of the night, my head is racing with triggering thoughts. I get up, go to the bathroom, and dread looking at the time on the clock.   
As I climb back into bed, the cycle of self-doubt kicks in; I get nervous about not being able to fall back asleep which aggravates my thoughts. Then I toss and turn, trying my hardest to redirect my thoughts to something not provoking.  ​

Of all the things my abuser took away from me, the ability to sleep often seems like the worst. As I have written about often, so many triggers in my world keep my cortisol levels on the brink of overfill. They are definitely too high for me to sleep comfortably.  

One of the biggest things my abuser took from me was my believing I could be a good mom. I wasn’t striving to be a great mom, or even a fun mom, I was simply striving to be a mom who was always there for her kids, one who raised them ethically, faithfully, and lovingly.  ​

My abuser knew that attacking my mothering skills hurt me to the core of my being. He knew degrading my emotional connection to our children was the most painful attack. He knew that if he broke my confidence in being a good mom, he’d win at destroying my life.  

Yesterday I dropped my daughter off at a college located four hours away. After being extremely close for almost 19 years, it is time for me to see, from four hours away, where God is taking her next.
 
My daughter surprised me with a new water cup for my office (so now we have matching ones) and a special canvas picture she took over the summer. The effort she is putting into making sure I am okay with her leaving is priceless and means the world to me.
 
Like all other kids, she has grown up with many challenges. She’s battled cancer, received a bone marrow transplant, lived through a painful divorce, lost all four of her maternal grandparents, and grown up in eastern North Carolina while unable to tolerate sun exposure (due to the transplant).