​     Sixteen years ago, during the election night of 2004, my abuser, three-year-old daughter, and I were staying at a hotel preparing for her upcoming bone marrow transplant. My abuser chose to go out drinking all night long and, due to his outrageous hangover, he failed to go to the hospital the next morning for our daughter’s pre-surgery for the transplant.
     Mind you, the bruises on my arm were fresh as it had only been four days since the beating.
     So, when Tommy told me he wasn’t coming with us to the hospital for the surgery for a double port to be implanted next to the single port that was already on our daughter’s chest, I was speechless. Dumbfounded. Angry beyond belief. But silent.

I recently had the pleasure of joining Rachel Adams on The Love Offering podcast.

The Love Offering features stories of women who are living out their faith in love to God, others, and even to themselves.

My appearance on her show is for a special episode for Domestic Violence Awareness month.

From this episode: "​As a retired lieutenant colonel, I can personally attest that domestic violence does not discriminate. Anyone, regardless of race, age, socioeconomic status, or education can fall victim to these horrors."

After separating from my abuser, the Book of Proverbs became my foundation of truth; something concrete I could fight the lies of my abuser with.  
 
     Seven years after I separated from my abuser, I had a nervous breakdown. The kind of nervous breakdown that brought me to my knees realizing that the way I was processing my abuse wasn’t working very well.
     I started counseling again (after a 4-year break) and almost immediately the counselor voiced concern that I was still communicating with my abuser. We talked about the anxious feelings I had when his name showed up on my phone, how the obscenities blasted my way if I didn’t answer the phone by the second ring, and how aggravated I was that at any moment, on any day, he could disrupt my world.

After separating from my abuser, the Book of Proverbs became my foundation of truth; something concrete I could fight the lies of my abuser with.  
 
In my blog last week, I shared the first thing I learned from reading the Book of Proverbs; transforming from a domestic violence victim to survivor was going to take action on my part. This transition wasn’t going to just “happen” because I wanted change to occur. Wanting wasn’t going to be good enough; doing something about my desire to change was required.
Prior to reading the Book of Proverbs, I used the funny feeling in my gut as my asthmas check. My anxiety seemed to be my barometer to emotionally stressful situations. The higher my anxiety (trigger), the more cautious I’d become. This worked well for a while, but it seemed to be cyclic; nothing really changed. I just became more aware of triggering situations. And the triggering situations continued to control my world.

Last week I had the honor and pleasure of joining Ann Harrison on a special  interview as a part of her Inspirational Journey Presents series episode on Domestic Violence Awareness Month.

Ann is a blind author who speaks from the heart on a wide variety of healing and inspiring topics and I encourage you to go and check out her blog, annwritesinspiration.com.

Though her primary message is not focused on domestic violence victims, she has been a victim of domestic emotional abuse, which she shares about during our discussion.

After separating from my abuser, the Book of Proverbs became my foundation of truth; something concrete I could use to fight the lies of my abuser.  

I had no idea how to be a Christian, mother, daughter, or co-worker the years following my physical separation from my abuser. Twenty years of being told what to do, how to do it, and asked why I hadn’t completed the task correctly completely deprived any ability I had to think on my own. Although I was physically removed from the harmful living situation, emotionally I was so brainwashed that I was stripped of any ability to generate a thought without guidance.

Reality hurt when I experienced this truth: being away from my abuser didn’t make me a survivor; it made me a remote-controlled puppet still functioning under the control of my abuser’s emotional brainwashing. 

After separating from my abuser, I found a church and attended faithfully in person but not always in spirit. A problem developed as I felt like what the Pastor was saying didn’t match what I was hearing. The Pastor was discussing God’s grace and love yet as I was listening with my abuser’s brainwashing lies still controlling my thoughts, God’s love and grace seemed like something He offered to other people.  ​

October is almost here, and as many of you know, that's when Domestic Violence Awareness month kicks off!

In preparation for this season of awareness, I've linked many of my favorite resources and ways to give back down below, but most exciting of all, I'm starting a five part series on Defeating the Lies of My Abuser using the Book of Proverbs next week.

​We're going to be taking the lies that I had known to be true as an abused woman and pairing them up with God's truth. This is integral to the transition from victim to survivor, and will be perfect for anyone who has separated from their abuser, but can't seem to shake the falsehoods embedded into their daily behavior.

With my daughter now in college, I decided to permanently clean out the bookshelf where she kept all her senior year papers and schoolwork. For so many years the kids have been piling up their work in this one spot; the “just in case I need it later” spot. But now that all of my children are out of the house, it’s time to reclaim those places and declutter! ​

ACT prep book; SAT prep book; math book with notebooks of homework; Spanish notes and research papers seemed to take up a lot of space. I am sure at one point the items connected to my daughter’s schoolwork, but as I was going through them, they seemed disjointed and clutter. I started picking up the pace as I thought trash can for everything.  

I am so tired.
​
For the past two months, I’ve woken up around 3:00am every night; many nights I’d be thrilled if this was the only time I woke up. Often nights I’m up two or three times. 

As I wake up in the middle of the night, my head is racing with triggering thoughts. I get up, go to the bathroom, and dread looking at the time on the clock.   
As I climb back into bed, the cycle of self-doubt kicks in; I get nervous about not being able to fall back asleep which aggravates my thoughts. Then I toss and turn, trying my hardest to redirect my thoughts to something not provoking.  ​

Of all the things my abuser took away from me, the ability to sleep often seems like the worst. As I have written about often, so many triggers in my world keep my cortisol levels on the brink of overfill. They are definitely too high for me to sleep comfortably.