I am so tired.
For the past two months, I’ve woken up around 3:00am every night; many nights I’d be thrilled if this was the only time I woke up. Often nights I’m up two or three times.
As I wake up in the middle of the night, my head is racing with triggering thoughts. I get up, go to the bathroom, and dread looking at the time on the clock.
As I climb back into bed, the cycle of self-doubt kicks in; I get nervous about not being able to fall back asleep which aggravates my thoughts. Then I toss and turn, trying my hardest to redirect my thoughts to something not provoking.
Of all the things my abuser took away from me, the ability to sleep often seems like the worst. As I have written about often, so many triggers in my world keep my cortisol levels on the brink of overfill. They are definitely too high for me to sleep comfortably.
Domestic Violence and Faith: Trusting God
I now know so much about the factors that keep me keyed up. Sugar plays a significant role in my not being able to sleep. Stress, work, being tired, and not taking emotional breaks all contribute to my weariness. I am in a season of my life where I am emotionally beyond my physical capabilities. As I have written before, knowing all of this and prioritizing taking care of myself is a constant struggle for me.
Hope for the end of this sleepless cycle is still alive. God has provided the battle ground for an all-out war for control of my thoughts 24 hours a day. It’s not a battle to be taken lightly; it’s a battle that is requiring self-control, trust, and belief that tonight might be the last night of struggling. What if tonight was the 7th time around Jericho?
Turning to God at 3:00 am has been hard. It’s been hard for me to turn to Him when the triggering thought that woke me up is still circling around in my mind.
In an attempt to switch things up, this morning I started asking God how He was. Maybe if I looked more outward versus inward it would help distract me? While I talk to God every day, perhaps this is a season where I need to quiet myself to hear His voice.
In an otherwise normal format for my blog, this is where I’d start mentioning helpful things I do to get me through the topic being discussed. But today, I am not going to do that. A simple Google search can give readers ideas for getting a better night’s sleep.
Instead, I officially:
With God’s strength, I am putting Satan and his lies on notice, so that I can have a clear mind whenever God wants to speak to me. Even if God is waking me up at 3:00 am to do so.
Sending blessings and hope,
Hi, I'm Sue
Welcome to my blog! I served twenty-one honorable years on active duty, living a double life of capability and accomplishment in the service while enduring brutality and abusiveness in my twenty-one year oppressive marriage. Today I'm happily married and have three children who are my inspiration and motivation.
My goal is to help combat the lies of abusers with the truth of God. I hope you find my words to be healing and helpful through your own life experiences.
Being separated from my abusive husband didn't make me a domestic violence survivor. It surely didn't release me from the grip of his brainwashing control and the innate power he had on me.
Read the full raw story in my new book, Rock Bottom and Faithless.