Summer Trigger: Children's Laughter at the Swimming Pool

It is hard for me to take my children to the swimming pool during the summer months. Within minutes of arriving, jealousy, anger, and sadness overcome me. For me, there is nothing that flaunts happiness and joy like the child-like father playing with his children in the pool.
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As I sit watching my children swimming, I can’t help but notice where the laughter is coming from. Even though it is painful, I can’t help but watch so many fathers laugh, smile, and lovingly splash their children. I see the swimming pool as the ultimate playground for an easy going father; it allows the childlike characteristics hidden within a caring dad to show without looking immature. Over the years, so many dads have made this part of fathering look so easy and carefree.

Triggers After Abuse

The pain which overcomes me is hard for me to shake off. Madness completely fills my mind as I realize what my children are missing out on. I know they hear the laughter next to them as father’s interact with their children; deep down, I know they see something missing from their world. I ponder why their dad couldn’t scrape up enough fatherness to partake in pool activities sometimes.

Jealously is a horrible emotion yet it’s what I become overwhelmed with. Do these mother’s sitting around me, relaxing and reading, realize how lucky they have it? I am almost 100% confident that a father who laughs in the pool also assists with the nightly bath and extra laundry a day at the pool generates. Heck, chances are these husbands also help with dinner (even if it’s pizza)!

I leave with overwhelming sadness in my heart. Something as innocent as taking the children to the pool is such a heavy reminder of what a mess my world has become. I quickly lose the enthusiasm to swim. Almost immediately I want to leave. The pain of witnessing happy fathers carelessly playing with their children becomes too unbearable for me to watch.
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Although I am stronger in so many ways, heading into another Memorial Day weekend quickly reminds me of what I will be facing soon. I am not going to lie; I am not looking forward to this part of the summer.