Grieving the Loss of My Abusive Husband

The first few years after separating from my abusive husband were almost as horrible as the abusive days. I knew being away from him was the right thing to do, but in the absence of having him tell me what to do, when to do it, and how to do things, I was a complete fumbling mess. I felt physically, emotionally, and spiritually numb.

Grieving an Abusive Relationship

When I aligned my early feelings during my recovery with the grieving cycle, I started to obtain my first real understanding of what I was feeling. To many non-victims, I am sure it is terribly confusing why I would be grieving the loss of my abusive husband. To me, this is okay that a non-victim doesn’t understand; the feelings I am feeling are real! Although my marriage ended in the worst possible way, I still feel the right to grieve my:

• Abuser moving on dating and enjoying his life (am I jealous?).
• Becoming a single mom and not being able to raise my children in a traditional family environment.
• Being forced to spend time without my children.
• Diminished ability to trust again.
• Financial stability ruined.
• Inability to concentrate at work.
• Shattered fairy tale love story.
  ​

I believe working through the grieving cycle (Kubler-Russ) helped me make sense of the overwhelming emotions I was going through. In the simplest of definitions, grieving is letting go of a painful experience. It is known as the healing process after a loss.

Below is a list of the stages of grief:

• Denial
• Depression
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Acceptance

Grieving the loss of my marriage, my dreams, my stability, and all the other pieces of my world that my abuser shattered was an extremely helpful tool for me. It assisted me in both understanding why I was feeling like I was along with assisting me in figuring out strategies for helping me get through a particular phase in my recovery.

In the next few days I will post a continuation blog on this topic: what our denial looks like and how it hinders our ability to move forward.

Please let me know if this topic is helpful,
​
Sue